Karma

Pen to paper. Fingertips on the laptop. Still haven’t got the Dvorak Keyboard. Come on man.

I speak to myself. We all do. There’s a voice in your head reading this right now. How often do you listen to that voice? Really listen. That’s what meditation is for me. Listening to that voice. Not changing anything about the voice. It helps me understand who I am. I have faults. Many faults.

I don’t do anything maliciously. It’s never a zero-sum game for me. Every situation I’m faced with I approach with a win-win attitude. How can we both win? That’s how I approach every business deal. If I don’t win then I can’t make the deal. If the client doesn’t win it’s better not to do the deal. Bad salespeople will take advantage of the client. You may make a quick buck but it always catches up to you. A reputation takes years to build, but it could be lost in a moment. I’m still young. 26. I guess I have to write ‘fairly young’ now.

I’m going to make mistakes. I’m making mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. Maybe I’m too harsh with people that have wronged my family and me. I’m on the road to happiness. If you haven’t done anything to bring happiness to me then why do I need to keep you around? I’ve tried. I’ve given a chance. Another chance. When is it time to stop giving chances and understand that this will never be win-win?

This is the hardest thing to do when it comes to family. It may be even harder when Continue reading “Karma”

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House Hunting

I recently had a meeting with someone that I’ve been trying to get in front of for a long time. I’ve tried different things. Emails. Phone calls. Lastly, I tried LinkedIn. I hadn’t heard back for a long time then he replied. The timing was right. I had to be persistent. Then I had to be patient. Either way I didn’t think the meeting would go as well as it did. I’m glad I worked at it. Worked hard at it. The conversation is still in its infancy. It could turn out to be huge. We’ll see where it goes. I’ll keep you all updated.

The other day we put an offer on a house. It’s not easy to get a property. The market has gone crazy. Every house is taking multiple offers. It’s the most expensive silent auction I’ve ever been a part of. It was disappointing when we didn’t get it. Now I think about it and I’m glad we didn’t get it. We rushed it. We saw the house and the same day we put in a bid. We were prepared to go over the budget we set for ourselves. I wasn’t being smart. Eliz said it isn’t a good idea. She said she wanted to do more research, but as I’ve mentioned before I’m emotional. I really liked the house. I wanted it. Figured we can’t lose in this market anyway so why not? It could’ve been a big mistake.

It’s the first time I’m part of the house buying process. It’s all a part of growing up. I will do more research.

This whole house search has really been messing with my routine. It’s creating stress. I’ve started doing the Stress Pack within Headspace. We have access to all this cash. We want to make the most of it. The decision we make is very important. The thing is, when we accomplish the goals we have set for ourselves, this decision won’t seem so important. I mean that in the financial sense. We are still choosing a place that will be our first home together. That’s always going to be important.

I don’t really know what to write about. I’m all over the place right now. That’s how I have been feeling the past few weeks. I can’t wait to be in a place that is ours. Where I can set my routine again.

At the same time, I think about the fact that I’m changing cities. Moving away from my friends. My parents said they will end up in the same city as me so I’m not worried about that. I think about the friends I have. The gym I go to. The same one I’ve been going to for the past 8 years. Holy crap. Has it been 8 years?

Well that’s all going to change. I won’t be playing basketball there anymore. I’m moving to a different city. My decisions are changing based on what is best, not for me, rather for my family. My fiancé, my puppy, my future children. My parents had to make sacrifices. Major sacrifices. They didn’t just move to another city.  They moved to another country. They didn’t know the language. They didn’t have anyone they were close with. The change I’m making pales in comparison. As soon as I think about that I realize how good I have it.

Yesterday, I spoke to my mom. I asked her what her goals are. What she looks forward to. She said she’s done what she set out to do. She’s giving my sister and me everything she didn’t have. A Canadian passport that grants me access to any country I want to visit. The freedom to choose the religion I want to practice without ridicule. The ability to go to one of the best universities in the world. I’m able to do this because of their sacrifices. She said she is fulfilled. She sees how happy I am with Eliz. She sees how happy my sister is with her husband. She has a grandchild on the way. She’s happy.

As I get older I realize how hard it is to be older.

I think about how easy it is to be a kid. No bills to pay. No down payment to worry about. No groceries to buy. Electricity is magically on. We live in a home. There’s food on the table. As I get older I appreciate the sacrifices my parents made. I understand their struggle a little bit better. Although, I don’t think I’ll ever have to go through anything as nearly as hard as they did. That’s all thanks to them.

It’s a fine line. We should be appreciative of our parents. I am very appreciative. At the same time, I am at the age that I must look after my future family. I’m grateful that my parents and in-laws all understand this. They are very supportive of it. They do everything they can to help.

It isn’t like that for some of my friends. Their parents still have a hold over them. Maybe it was like that for me to. Maybe it still is like that but I don’t see it that way. Sometimes it’s easier to see it when viewing from the outside. As I said, I don’t think it is like that for me.

We all want to make our parents proud. We all want to do what’s in their best interest as well as ours. I mentioned that I would end my blogs with a bit of advice.

At some point, we must realize that we should live our lives. We must make decisions that we can live with. Sometimes this will go against what our parents want. That’s hard. I’m no expert at it. However, as I keep saying, I’m working towards happiness. How can we be happy if the decisions we make are skewed? The influence our parents have on our lives can be negative at times. Of course, they want the best for us. It’s just sometimes they may not know what that is as well as we do. We must make the decisions we can live with. The decisions that we are proud we made when laying on the bed taking our last breathes.

 

My advice isn’t to defy your parents. I’m simply trying to say sometimes we want to do something or be with someone but our parents don’t approve. In those instances, ask yourself what is the most important thing. Your happiness or theirs? Ideally, everyone would be happy. Sometimes that isn’t the case. Years from now you need to be able to look in the mirror and say you did it your way. You did what was best for you at that moment. That’s how we live. That’s how we grow.

Sold

I can’t pinpoint what it is. I’m thinking about it. What is making me feel this way. I don’t even know if I’m upset, uneasy, stressed, worried, anxious, none of the above or all the above. All I know is, I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. It’s only 8:30 on Sunday. I’ve already been up 2 hours. I took Niko to a park nearby. I meditated. I wrote in my journal. I should feel better.

We sold the house. For a great price. More than we expected to sell for. Another reason I should feel ecstatic. I did at first. Now, I feel as if it’s on to the next thing to worry about. Buying a house. I’m trying to think of it as an exciting opportunity. I’m doing my best to think in terms of Option 2. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to shake this feeling. It started last night. It’s been lingering since.

Maybe it’s because now we have this load of responsibility. We have access to a lot of cash once the sale of the house closes. What to do with all that money? What type of house do we buy? Is the market always going to stay this way? Is there a bubble? Is it going to crash? What kind of mortgage should we get? How much should we put towards a down payment? How much should we put away in a savings account? Should we invest it instead of a savings account? If so, what investments should we make?

Yeah. These questions are unanswered right now. I’m trying not to think about it all. I’m trying to take it step by step. We’d like to put some of the money away for our wedding. Maybe something for an investment property too. It’s just all happening quickly. The house market in Southern Ontario is crazy right now. We feel as though we need to act fast. House prices are Continue reading “Sold”

Change

The other day I spoke to my friend. I don’t see him often. He lives an hour away from where I am. He began talking about my blog. I wasn’t even aware he was reading it. He mentioned a post before but I didn’t know he was following my posts.

I’m always nervous when discussing the blog. A lot of what I put out on here is personal. It makes me feel exposed. I feel as if I’m out of my comfort zone. Discussing the blog in person really takes me out of my comfort zone. I didn’t know what he was going to say. I didn’t think he would be malicious or say anything negative but I still felt nervous.

He said my writing has inspired him to write.

That may be the biggest compliment I’ve received regarding my posts. Everyone I’ve talked to mentions they like the realness in my posts. The authenticity. I’m very excited to hear that my posts may inspire someone to do something for themselves. Whether that’s writing. Starting their own business. Having that conversation that they’re afraid to have. If I can be of the slightest help then I feel as if this blog is already rewarding.

Yesterday was Eliz’s birthday. We all went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was a great movie. I felt as if I could really relate to the Beast. I don’t think I was ever intentionally unkind. It’s just I think about how much I’ve grown in the past few months. I think about the younger version of me. How much I’ve changed. Eliz helped me in it immensely. Taught me many lessons.

My Facebook friend list is small. My Twitter is the same. That’s where I’ve been sharing my posts because I was comfortable with people on those lists reading my blogs. Yesterday, for the first time, Continue reading “Change”

26th Birthday

It feels like a long time since I’ve written a post. I’ve been meaning to. I keep thinking about doing it. I’ve been busy. In other words, I’ve been procrastinating. I’m happy I’m doing it now.

To be honest some challenges I’ve faced in the past few weeks have been occupying most of my mind. At least it was. I’m moving past it. In one of my latest posts I mentioned cutting out toxic people. I’ve done it. Relatives. People that I grew up alongside. It’s not easy to just cut them out and then to keep moving as if nothing changed. It needed to be done. As I said, I don’t have room for negative people. I’m on my up. I had to offload unnecessary luggage. Continue reading “26th Birthday”

Real

J. Cole is my favourite artist. He has been for 7 years now. I always said if I could rap, I would say what he says. I just watched an Instagram video of him talking about how he approaches material items. I remember watching the interview where he said, “Don’t place your value on things…Love is real”.

I believe this unequivocally.

Today, my friends were talking about some guy that made money from selling mattresses. Supposedly, the guy spent nearly $200,000 in Vegas one weekend. – I’m not impressed.

I’m not saying he should do something else with his money. I’m simply saying that’s not something I am striving to do. I am working on making money. Lots of money. More money than I’ve ever seen. My goal with that money isn’t to spend it on material items. I know that won’t make me happy. So I think about what I’ll do with my money once I have it.

I’m going to get that big house. Not so I can tell people I have a big house. I’ll get the big house to have gatherings with my friends, family, and their kids. A place everyone can come to be together. What’s the point of a big house if I can’t enjoy it with my loved ones?

I look at material things as if they are all toys. At the end of the day that’s what they are to me. Toys. I’ve never had much fun playing with toys alone. I could play PS4 by myself and grow bored quickly. If I play with my friends I can play for hours. The PS4 is a means to an end. The point is to enjoy my time with my friends. I don’t need the console. It’s just nice to have.

I’m going to start investing more time into the relationships I want to blossom. To do this, I first needed to subtract relationships that were eating up all my time. Negative people will do that. I have spent too much time on them. Trying to help. Trying to change their point of view. Trying to have a relationship. Why? All wasted effort.

The more I think about my time the more I think about the people I want to spend it with. I needed the time that I was wasting. I need that time for people that deserve it.

Since I’ve started writing this blog I feel closer to each of my friends. I feel closer to my family. My future in-laws. I’m vulnerable when I write this. I think people understand it. The other day my friend mentioned family that he stays away from because they don’t have any ambition. He said he would be working at McDonalds if he stayed close to them. He is doing very well for himself. In fact, he mentioned the other day that he reached out to someone and simply asked for advice. Maybe I had something to do with it. Doesn’t matter. I liked hearing that he did it.

Few days ago, someone said Continue reading “Real”

Toxic

Lots have happened since my last blog. Lots of good.

I just have this one line in my head about how I would start my next blog. It was something like…

Eliz went to a “Tupperware Party”.

That’s a pretty good line I think. I’m starting it with that…

Eliz went to a “Tupperware Party”. You may know what I’m talking about. It’s when a bunch of people, predominately women, get together and one woman sells something.

In this case it was chemical free cleaning supplies.

We’ve kind of been on this ‘hippy’ road with Eliz. Becoming vegetarian. Meditating. Doing yoga. All these things that are, for lack of a better word, frowned upon. Not as if people say it’s bad to do it. I just mean people make fun of it. My friends make fun of me for it. I don’t mind. Some people may not understand our life choices. That’s okay. Some may disagree with it. That’s even better. We can talk about it. I can learn something from people that disagree with me. I think that way now. More than I used to.

Anyway, she went to this Tupperware party. She brought back a few items. Small things that don’t require chemicals to clean with. It makes sense when you think about it. We use so many chemicals to clean our floors. Our clothes. Our plates. I can’t imagine all of those chemicals are good for me. Good for the environment. Using less may be a great thing.

Ridding ourselves of toxic things. Toxic things disguised as helpful. Toxic things disguised as cleansing.

Toxic.

As we usually do, let’s dig deeper.

Let’s talk about other toxic things disguised among us. For instance, McDonald’s salads. Marketed as being good for you but once you add that dressing, it equates to more calories than a BigMac. I know what my friends are thinking. How could a vegetarian be speaking poorly of salads and, in a way, choosing the BigMac? I’m simply showing how there are many things out there that are presented as being great for us, when in fact, they are poison.

I felt I needed another example before sharing what I really wanted to because I want to show that I’m noticing these things.

Toxic things disguised.

Toxicity disguised.

It’s more evident to me now, more than ever, that this applies to people. It applies unreservedly. It applies unequivocally.

I had, up until a few days ago, people in my life that are toxic. Toxic disguised as caring. Disguised as supportive. Disguised as loving. Disguised as family. Toxic, nonetheless.

It was incredibly difficult for me to realize it. Took me a long time. All the signs were there. I ignored the signs. They are family after all. Swept it under the rug. Told myself it’s okay. It’s normal. I became accustomed to telling myself that. I became conditioned. I conditioned myself.

Conditioned myself to think their poison was just a misunderstanding. Conditioned myself to think it was okay for my mom to admit fault when she was being wronged. Conditioned myself to hide happy milestones in my life to avoid ridicule from these people. These poisonous people.

My mom and sister did too.

We kept thinking it’s normal for people around us to act this way. We were all so conditioned that the most obvious signs were being ignored.

Two days ago something happened that we couldn’t ignore anymore. My mom hasn’t been feeling well. As I’ve mentioned before my sister is pregnant. Toxic people came to my house and verbally attacked them. Attacked my mom when she’s been feeling ill. Attacked my sister when she is pregnant. What if something happened to my unborn nephew? What if something happened to my mom?

I have been approaching tough situations with the ideology that I can say, “Good…”. This is one where I said “Great!”

I’m glad it happened. Yeah. Glad.

We needed it. We all needed to see something we couldn’t ignore anymore. It took us too long. Entirely too long. Years too long. We should’ve removed ourselves from the maliciousness long ago.

It’s very difficult for me to realize something when I’m in the middle of it. Up until a month ago, I used to watch a lot of Turkish soccer. There seems to be an argument or fight in every match. The referee always does the same thing. He completely removes himself from the situation. He watches it from a distance. He isn’t in there breaking it up. He watches it all unfold.

I was in the middle of it. I didn’t realize what was happening. I’m glad there are people around me that began telling me these things aren’t normal. The referees. As soon as I began to realize it, I began to understand the malice in their actions.

These toxic people are what we call haters. We all have haters. I am happy when my friends are happy. I’m happy when my family is happy. Seems simple to me. It’s actually the simplest thing to me. When others smile. I smile too. Haters don’t. Haters aren’t happy when I’m happy. I couldn’t comprehend this. I couldn’t understand it. How? How can someone not be happy for me when things are going well? I am so happy for them when things are going their way. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone is like that. I used to think I knew what a hater was. I don’t think I knew entirely. I am positive I know what a hater is now.

I didn’t expect it from family. Especially, the same people I grew up along. I’m so grateful that I found out when I did. I’m nearly 26. Less than a week away. 25 has been a great year. Amazing year. This is the best birthday gift for me. Ridding myself of vile people.

I deserve happiness. My sister deserves happiness. My mom deserves happiness. These people actively tried to prevent our happiness. Continually. For years. During big moments in my life. During big moments in my sister and mom’s lives. Not anymore. That’s why I’m so thankful.

I don’t ever have to worry about these people ruining my nephews birth. Ruining his first birthday. Ruining moments in my life. My children’s lives. My wedding.

I may have pitied them. I may have felt pity towards them. I don’t. I ask myself the same questions I asked earlier. What if something happened to my unborn nephew? What if something happened to my sister? My mom? There isn’t any pity. Remorse. There is nothing. For this, I am immensely grateful.

I’m on my journey. I’m on my path.

The other day, my supplier sent me pictures of what my packaged product for Invictus Beard will look. I’m doing it. I’m moving up in my career. I’m doing it. I have been writing this blog. I’m doing it. Eliz and I are selling our house. We’re doing it.  I’m doing these things. I’m on my path. My journey to the top has begun. I don’t have room for toxic people. I don’t have room for haters. I don’t have room for people that are preventing my happiness.

The older I get, the wiser I become. The more books I read, the more I can relate it to my own life. I’m excited. If I was able to get to this point in my life with these haters trying to block my path, imagine where I’m going to be in the next 25 years. I can imagine it. The view is great.

Once again, I must show my appreciation for my fiancé. My immediate family. My sister, mom and dad. My friends. Again, it is with their love and support that I come to realize that these other people are toxic. I don’t have the energy to spend on them anymore. I’d rather spend it on my loved ones. They deserve my energy. My love. I choose to share my happiness with my family and friends. Happiness. They deserve it. We deserve it. I deserve it.