Pen to paper. Fingertips on the laptop. Still haven’t got the Dvorak Keyboard. Come on man.
I speak to myself. We all do. There’s a voice in your head reading this right now. How often do you listen to that voice? Really listen. That’s what meditation is for me. Listening to that voice. Not changing anything about the voice. It helps me understand who I am. I have faults. Many faults.
I don’t do anything maliciously. It’s never a zero-sum game for me. Every situation I’m faced with I approach with a win-win attitude. How can we both win? That’s how I approach every business deal. If I don’t win then I can’t make the deal. If the client doesn’t win it’s better not to do the deal. Bad salespeople will take advantage of the client. You may make a quick buck but it always catches up to you. A reputation takes years to build, but it could be lost in a moment. I’m still young. 26. I guess I have to write ‘fairly young’ now.
I’m going to make mistakes. I’m making mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. Maybe I’m too harsh with people that have wronged my family and me. I’m on the road to happiness. If you haven’t done anything to bring happiness to me then why do I need to keep you around? I’ve tried. I’ve given a chance. Another chance. When is it time to stop giving chances and understand that this will never be win-win?
This is the hardest thing to do when it comes to family. It may be even harder when it comes to romantic relationships. There can’t be a loser in these types of relations. My family has been losing for a long time when it comes to some extended family. We don’t do anything wrong yet we are blamed for many things. We are the victims yet somehow we are left apologizing. Why? We’re being taking advantage of.
I had to take a long, hard look at my relationship with some people. Why is it that I’m always making the extra effort. This happened with some friends I had in the past. That’s the type of person I am. I will make the extra effort to continue the relationship. Especially when it comes to family or close friends. At some point I had to stop it. I’m losing. It’s better if we don’t talk at all. It’s better that they find happiness without me because clearly no matter what I do I can’t help them find happiness. It is clear to me that these types of relationships need to be removed altogether. That’s the win. Kill the deal. Kill the friendship. Kill the relationship. Hope the best for that person and move on.
Maybe I’m the reason for their troubles. Maybe I’m too focused on myself. Who else am I supposed to focus on? I can control myself. I can only control myself. Do I owe you something because you are my extended family? Do I owe you something if we are friends? Is that fair to me? Why are you entitled to something? If you don’t like me as I am then why be friends with me?
In university I had a close friend. I did a lot for him. He would ask me to do him favours and I wouldn’t hesitate. However, when I asked him for certain things then he would always make excuses. He wouldn’t be so quick to do it. Is that his fault? I don’t think so. I think it’s my fault. I can’t control him. I could only control myself. I’ve learned that now.
I’m protective of my fiancé, of my sister, my mom, my dad, my in-laws, my loved ones. If someone hurts them I can’t stand it. I take that more personally than if someone hurt me. I’m working to surround myself with love. Genuine love. Not calculated love. Not that type of love where it’s ‘I did this for you, what can I get back.’ Not that type of love where it’s ‘I love you until you start doing better than me,’ or the kind of ‘love you until you start making more money.’
Jealousy is a disgusting trait. It will catch up to you. It comes out in the worst ways. Why is it always people closest to you that have these feelings? I’m happy when others excel. It makes me work harder. It’s not that way for other people. Why would I keep you around me? Around my family? Every time I have a celebration you are in the corner upset. You find a reason to be mad about something. You aren’t happy for me. You don’t want my happiness. You care about one person. Yourself. I’m supposed to keep you around? What do I owe you? Whatever I do is not enough. I can’t control your thoughts. I can only control my own.
I wrote about toxic people. I wrote about getting them out of my life. I’m glad I did. As I mentioned in my last post I don’t think for myself anymore. I think for my family. I think for my unborn children. Is this who I want around my kids? People that aren’t happy for me when I accomplish something? People that are so calculated that they have a list of things they have done for me? Isn’t it supposed to be done out of love?
People that talk about one person behind their back will talk about anyone behind their back. I never liked gossip. Discussing rumours. How can family members talk poorly of their family to other members of that family? How do they think it’s all going to turn out?
I believe in Karma. It all comes around in one way or another. I’m trying to put good out into the world. I can’t put positive things out in the world if every time I try it is ridiculed. Discussed poorly. Why the calculations? What are you preparing for? Is it because you know you need to show yourself as being right? You need to be able to show the rest of the family how right you were in your actions.
I’m okay with that. You can win the argument. You can win the battle. You can win the war. I’m enough for myself. I can go to sleep at night and rest easy. My heart is pure. I tried my best to do what I thought was the best thing. I may have made mistakes. No doubt I did. I didn’t do it maliciously.
Here’s the advice part.
Look around you. Take a real long look. Who is making you happy? Isn’t that the point of life? I read somewhere that John Lennon had an assignment in grade 2 or 3 where he was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. He replied happy. The teacher said he didn’t understand the assignment. He said she didn’t understand life.
That’s the point here. We have to work to be happy. Look at your life. Who makes you happy? Concentrate more time and energy on that person. What makes you happy? Spend more time to do that. We focus most of our energy on trying to make people see it our way. We concentrate too much of our energy trying to make people better. Do they deserve that time? The time you are taking away from people that love you? The time they are robbing from you. Why are they entitled to your time?
Take a closer look. Can you remove yourself from the situation? Is it a zero-sum game? Are you always losing? You can’t win? Then, why bother? None of us are here forever. Work your ass off to be happy. You can’t please everyone. It’s impossible. Please yourself first. You are going to be on that death bed. That little voice is going to talk to you. What is it going to say? Will it list all the regrets? The time wasted on negative people? Or will you take charge? Will you be the person that decides to be happy? Will you work for that for the rest of your life?
I’m not there yet. I’m really working on it. Hasn’t been easy so far. It’s been hard. In the past few months it’s been really hard. It was hard yesterday. I know my goals. I know where I am going to end up. Happy.
My advice. Do what is necessary to be happy.