Today was a busy day. Starting to feel the wrath of overseeing so many clients and at the same time hunting down prospects.
I like it.
Also went shopping. I needed jeans. I got a sweet pair. Looks great.
I used to hate shopping. With a passion. Maybe because I never wanted to get anything extravagant because money was tight. Even though my parents would never show that to us. I guess as kids we have more intuition than we think. My parents never said we couldn’t have something because of the price. Especially when it came to essentials like clothing.
I’m not saying we could pick anything in the Gucci store. I’m just saying if I wanted a nice pair of jeans my mom didn’t hesitate to get it for me.
Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit and I was just a lazy kid. I didn’t want to go shopping. Always put my mom in a difficult predicament. She knew I needed new clothes. She knew I hated shopping. So she would get clothes for me and I would get upset.
The nerve of young me. I oughta smack myself. This woman goes out. Thinks of me enough to buy me clothes. Brings it home for me to try it on. Then I get mad because she didn’t get what I want?
Eliz says I was raised spoiled and it’s examples like this that makes my argument that I wasn’t, weak.
Yet my mom would do that often. She’d get me stuff. She may even think to herself “He wouldn’t like this” or “Yeah, I think he’ll like this one”. I never considered any of those things. Teenage Mehmet. Thinks he is the shit. Too lazy to go shopping. Not to lazy to get mad at his mom for grabbing him something he doesn’t like.
I’m really making myself look like an ass here but now that I think about it, I just want to go hug my mom. How did she put up with me?
I guess that’s just what moms do. Or at least that’s what my mom did. Having support from loved ones is so important. It shouldn’t be taken for granted yet I always did. At times I still take it for granted.
I read Seneca’s letter to his mom when he was in exile. Incredible read. The insight that he had on his mom’s life was enlightening. I don’t think I know my mom as well as Seneca knew his. I feel I will get to know her more now that I realize that. I will take the time to do that. I don’t remember if I heard this in a movie or read it somewhere but it was something like “We don’t really know our parents”.
Isn’t that so true?
We come into the world and only think about ourselves. We’ll listen to stories our parents tell us but I don’t think we really know who our parents really were before we came along. We just knew them as the parents version of themselves. We never got to meet the young, single version of our parents. The ones trying to navigate through life. They ones that didn’t have to worry about Mehmet crying because he shit himself.
What were their dreams? Their aspirations?
My parents always tell me they are happy. I believe they are. Lately, since I’ve become more ambitious I’ve been trying to become an inspiration for everyone around me. Including my parents. I don’t think we ever truly stop trying to impress our parents or stop trying to make them proud.
Maybe that’s a fault on it’s own. I think parents always want the best for their children and sometimes that can translate to expectations.
I’ve learned that maybe I won’t meet the expectations my parents may or may not have for me. It’s not like they sit me down and tell me we’ll be proud of you if you make this much money. They aren’t like that. I think as long as I’m happy they’re happy.
This can also be tricky. What is happiness for my parents may not be happiness for me. My dad spent most of his life working. He still works. I am extremely proud of him for that and I don’t think I show it nearly as much as I should.
He had a family and he made sure he did everything he could to provide for my sister and me. He worked long hours. Multiple jobs at a time so my mom can stay home with us when we were younger. In NY he would work during the day then sleep on the train while on his way to his other job to pump gas. I don’t know if I could do that. He did. He did it so I wouldn’t have to. He made those sacrifices so I could go to school. Finish university. Have an easier life than his. He granted me opportunities that maybe he only dreamed of. Maybe those were his dreams. I may be living my dad’s dreams. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him. I look forward to that conversation. Maybe I’ll have it this weekend over some Raki.
It’s because of my parents that I am able to dream bigger. The sacrifices they made brought me to this position. I understand very clearly now it’s time for me to take the baton and run with it.
I may not be able to do exactly what they want but that may be okay. They brought me to the place I am now. On the verge of huge changes. “2017 is the year of implementation”. This year we are going to get things done. Planning phases are complete.
It’s all about doing this year. That’s why I am so adamant about my online store, Invictus Beard. I’ve been talking about starting my own business for a long time. Now I get to start one that I can work on after regular work hours. Doesn’t take up too much of my time and if I can accomplish what I envision then the process will be automated. I’m always thinking about time. How can I get technology to do the work and free up my time?
That’s my ultimate goal. I think that is the same dream my dad has. Have the time to be able to do the things I enjoy. He loves us so much. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. He is so proud of me and he never has to say it. I feel it when he looks at me and his mind wanders off. Then he’ll tell me “I just remembered when you were just 6 years old…” or something along those lines. Maybe he is living out one of his dreams. The dream to raise great kids. That’s not a compliment to my sister or myself but it is a compliment to my parents. They were able to do so much for us that we started life off ahead of most. It’s precisely these reasons why I feel the need to continually grow. Spiritually, mentally, and yes, financially. I want the freedom that only money can buy and I want it while not paying for it with time. That’s my dream.